Apathetic Joy
Have you ever stopped to think about life, about yourself, about God, just to find that you have become disappointingly apathetic towards nearly every idea or ambition that once intrigued you indelibly? Like an almost crushing freedom, a feeling of being confined by your own lack of desire to care about anything- a certain released numbness.
There is a irrefutable ring to the phrase "sweet abandonment" that almost commands compliancy. And yet the fine line between peaceful surrender and utter apathy makes the task of searching for that precious middle ground like that of attempting to heat coffee in a timeworn microwave- realizing you need to go just a little warmer, yet not wanting to end up scalding your mouth.
It is in the middle of this pursuit that I find myself every morning- battling a desire to be perfect, and yet acknowledging that there is an undeniable beauty to be found in brokenness. And it is in this state that I go to bed every night- hoping the next day will bring new opportunities for me to improve myself, and simultaneously praying God will use my weaknesses, my helplessness to display His awesome power and mercy.
It is so easy to become caught up in the "rush and hurry" trying to figure out your life and to reach that next stage where everything will magically right itself and plans will suddenly seem to become attainable. But life is not meant to be lived with both eyes firmly locked on the future. I feel as though I have wasted years of my life trying to grasp this concept, and still the realization of it eludes me. So much of the beauty of life is lost in the planning for the future.
So this is my resolution: that I will consciously and purposefully surrender my desire for perfection and need for an ideal diagram of my life. That I will never forget the joy that comes with the releasing of my dreams to my Savior and always remember the apathy that so quickly follows on the heels of a period of obsessive self-absorption. That I will come as dangerously close as possible to losing my identity only to find it again fully in Christ. That I will focus not on how the world tells me I should be, but on how God created me to be. That I will take each moment that God has given me and enjoy it simply because of the chance it brings to worship God with complete abandonment.
We only have one life- one chance to write a story that displays God's incredible love- and we can't waste it by living for the future. Neither can we waste it looking to find ourselves in other people. No- we should, must, spend it grabbing hold of every moment and refusing to let anything replace the joy of life with a sense of numb apathy.
There is a irrefutable ring to the phrase "sweet abandonment" that almost commands compliancy. And yet the fine line between peaceful surrender and utter apathy makes the task of searching for that precious middle ground like that of attempting to heat coffee in a timeworn microwave- realizing you need to go just a little warmer, yet not wanting to end up scalding your mouth.
It is in the middle of this pursuit that I find myself every morning- battling a desire to be perfect, and yet acknowledging that there is an undeniable beauty to be found in brokenness. And it is in this state that I go to bed every night- hoping the next day will bring new opportunities for me to improve myself, and simultaneously praying God will use my weaknesses, my helplessness to display His awesome power and mercy.
It is so easy to become caught up in the "rush and hurry" trying to figure out your life and to reach that next stage where everything will magically right itself and plans will suddenly seem to become attainable. But life is not meant to be lived with both eyes firmly locked on the future. I feel as though I have wasted years of my life trying to grasp this concept, and still the realization of it eludes me. So much of the beauty of life is lost in the planning for the future.
So this is my resolution: that I will consciously and purposefully surrender my desire for perfection and need for an ideal diagram of my life. That I will never forget the joy that comes with the releasing of my dreams to my Savior and always remember the apathy that so quickly follows on the heels of a period of obsessive self-absorption. That I will come as dangerously close as possible to losing my identity only to find it again fully in Christ. That I will focus not on how the world tells me I should be, but on how God created me to be. That I will take each moment that God has given me and enjoy it simply because of the chance it brings to worship God with complete abandonment.
We only have one life- one chance to write a story that displays God's incredible love- and we can't waste it by living for the future. Neither can we waste it looking to find ourselves in other people. No- we should, must, spend it grabbing hold of every moment and refusing to let anything replace the joy of life with a sense of numb apathy.
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